Indecisiveness

Indecisiveness is a symptom of depression. As a kid whenever my mom took my sister and me to the grocery store, she would let us pick out a candy bar. My sister picked hers quickly and never looked back. I could stand there forever trying to make up my mind. It felt to me as if the weight of the world hinged on that decision. The earth would quake and mountains would topple if I chose incorrectly.

In reality, the candy bar did not matter. What did matter, however, was every trivial thing besides it. Put the remote back in the wrong place and Dad gets mad. Talk back to him and Dad will hit you.

I used to think my actions had consequences, but it wasn't true. My dad would have gotten mad about something eventually because he had to get mad. He would have hit me over something eventually because he had to terrorize children. That’s just my dad, and nothing I ever did or said could have changed him. What candy bar I chose did not matter because it wasn't going to win me my dad’s approval.

He cannot be pleased. He was born miserable, lived miserable, and will die miserable. When I decided to stop trying to please him, I stopped being quite as miserable as he is.